The River Guide: Dumoine River, Quebec June 2009

The river current begins to quicken and the froth from the white-water starts to boil.  This set of rapids is called Canoe Eater for a reason. Focused fear; heart in throat; muscles straining; Stroke; Stroke; Stroke. Bow and sterns man in symbiotic unison, arms firing on all pistons.

“Full steam ahead, boys …Ramming speed  ... phasers on stun,” yells Andrew the guide.

As the paddles hit the water the canoes begin to lurch forward on every stroke. The river is narrowing, and unlike the past hour of calm leisurely paddling, the Dumoine River waters are being compressed, preparing us one of the inevitable drops that eventually take us to our final destination, the Ottawa - the great Ottawa. Oh don’t get me wrong the Dumoine is impressive in a different way. In this 70 kilometre section it drops 1200 ft through rapids called Gooseneck, the Sleeper, Snake and Grande Chute, eventually reaching the Ottawa, making it one of the primer white-water rivers in the world. Its rapids have all been classified. They range from class 1 to class 7. But to the average person, well even to the average canoeist this means nothing. So in laymen’s terms class 3 requires you to make a technical manoeuvre but no risk of real physical danger. Class 4 is a different matter, it means technical manoeuvre with a life threatening obstacle. Canoe Eater is a class 4, it has a stopper. Basically it is a hole, where the water after a hydraulic (water forced up by rock) creates a strong downward current. It can grab you, pull you down, eat your canoe and drown you.

“Remember gentlemen, you must find the centre of the downward water V, pass the pool, and then hug the large rock. Keep the water hydraulic to you right. Stay away from the green eyed monster (the hole) then eddy left at the bottom. I hope you all have wills?”

Paul, my bow’s man, points his paddle to the V and we angle the canoe to find the centre. We feel the force of the water sucking us into the void, like a worm hole there is nothing we can do, we have passed the event horizon.

“Paddle hard, hard … there’s the pool; head toward the rock, careful stay away from the hydraulic and the green eye, not today green eye, not today, “ we surf the centre wave, then lean into our paddles left and crank the canoe, and eddy out.

Paul’s head partially turns showing a smile of pure high octane joy. “That was awesome, dude, lets do it, again,” he is a kid again.

The canoes of Mike and Jack, Stephen and Stevens, Alex and Andrews joined us in the eddy. There are hoots and high fives and all around congratulations.

“Canoe eater, my ass”, says Jack.

“In your face, in your face,” says Stephen.

Andrew announces in ceremonial tones, “Gentlemen, Gentlemen may I have your attention please. Cough, cough. I would like to announce ….You are no longer …flat water Nancys!!” Cheers erupt all around; we slap the waters with our paddles, at the end of a day we will never forget. The river has been patient and good to us. It’s time for beer, food and more beer. If this is not heaven, I don’t want it!

The night settles down. Tents are up, wet clothes are hung to dry; we have had a wonderful dinner of planked salmon, pesto pasta with fresh peas, and copious glasses of wine. We are really roughing it. We’ve retired to the smoking lounge, which is the fire pit and kitchen and alter. The cigars have been pulled out. Mostly Cuban’s because we can afford them once a year and our wife’s won’t let us smoke most of the time. But truth be told, we don’t like the fact, it takes a week to get the taste out of the mouth.

It is the end of another day, which we as friends have marked our lives. Andrew, the guide is part of that adventure. He is one of us; hermano. As the jokes and liquor flow the wall between employed and stupid old white guys from the city begins to fall.

“I got my masters engineering degree at Cambridge in nuclear physics. I met my ex-wife in Ottawa, we married and had kids. I worked for Nortel for 10 years. I did not like it. Then one day I discovered paddling. I loved it so much I spent every weekend on the water. It also explains why I have an ex. Then one day Nortel went belly up. It was my chance. I took the severance and dumped the wife, well really she dumped me. But someone said “hey you would be a great river guide”, I never looked back…. So now I’m here with you assholes …..And I want my old job back.”

We laugh but make him sleep with Mike who snores.   

The river is flowing calmly now, lulling us to sleep, preparing us for another day. That night as the lights go out, I sit with Steven (the philosopher of the group) by the fire as the coals are burning down. “So let me understand this...” Steven says, “It takes a nuclear physicist to figure out … that in life you should ….do what you love. Do what you love. Forget about the money; forget about the beautiful women, the fancy cars, the real estate, the fame and the drinks with the little umbrellas. Do what you love!! …Sorry Jaime …. We’re not that smart!’